Age Specific Information on How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex, Porn and Healthy Relationships

CONVERSATION STARTERS FROM 

“How To Talk To Your Kids About Healthy Relationships, Sex and Porn”

Narda Skov, MPH

1. Younger than 9:

   • When your children begin to go online (initially with you by their side), you can tell them that while there is a lot of information online as well as fun things like games and videos, there is also content online that is not appropriate, or not okay for kids to watch.  It’s made up or fantasy stuff that some adults watch.

   • If you see something scary, please tell me or “CLICK AWAY”.

     2.  Ages 9-11:

• “Hey I was recently online and some videos and images popped up that you might have seen, too.  When I’m buying something online, some advertisements just come on the screen out of nowhere.  Have you seen them, too?”

• I know that at a certain age you might get curious about sexual stuff on the internet and I would like it if we could talk about it, if you want, and without me being the one who asks all the questions.  I’d like it if you could ask me and I can answer your questions”.

     3. Ages 11-14:

• Don’t sit down for “a talk”.  You don’t want them to think they are in trouble or that you are going to lecture them.

• “Hey - you know this is a bit embarrassing for me to bring up, but I’m a bit worried about some of the stuff I’ve stumbled across the internet recently, and I’m worried that you have seen it, too.  When I go on the most normal sites to shop I keep getting these pornographic pop ups and stuff.  Does that happen on your phone?  Well…..”

      4.  Age 15 and older- Most teenagers are learning about sex by watching porn.

• “Hey, before you say anything, this is an extremely embarrassing thing for me to bring up, but I want to talk to you about porn.  I’m not going to tell you not to watch it, but I wanted to talk to you about how most of what you’re probably seeing online is really violent and unrealistic.  I don’t want you to think that this is what sex is supposed to be.  I’m not saying it’s about love, but it is about mutual respect, and it’s important to me that I make that clear to you, even if you know already…..”

• It’s key when you talk to your teen about sex and porn that  you encourage understanding rather than just telling them not to watch - because if you do that, they will probably never talk to you about it.

Address porn:  

• If you think your kids might encounter porn online either by accident or on purpose, it is a good idea to explain what pornography is an age-appropriate way.

• Tell your kids that it is natural to be curious.  Avoid saying something that may make them feel ashamed.  

• Make sure they know you are available to talk about any subject - nothing is off the table.

If you have found pornography on your child’s computer or phone:

• Take a deep breath….

• Rather than angrily confront your child, wait for a calm moment when you can have a more casual conversation.

• Emphasize that it is natural to be interested in sex, but that pornographic images are not representative of relationships.

• Remind your children they can come to you with any questions and they should feel comfortable asking - even if you do not have the answer, tell them you will get it for them.

• If they deny it...don’t blame them and don’t shame them.  “Okay - maybe I was wrong, but I want to share my thoughts and feelings with you”.

• Try not to say “Who showed it to you?” or “Where did you find it?”, with an accusatory tone of voice, making them feel it is something bad and they are guilty.

• Also, try not to say “Why are you watching it?”, with a tone that it is bad.

• Try not to say “Shame on you!”, “I’m taking away your phone”, or “You’re grounded” or “I’m telling your mom/dad”.  This can be a teachable moment that can open up more conversations about your values and hopes and dreams for your child.

Other things to say/remember:

• Porn isn’t real sex.  It’s people performing and it’s nothing like what sex is actually like.

• Women and men are hairy - they have pubic hair and it is totally normal.  You can choose to shave or not.

• Racism and sexism are abundant in porn and defining whether you find something appealing or not based purely on the race of the performers is offensive.

• Porn is full of cliches...as fake as some action movies.  Porn is about as real as pro-wrestling!

• Women should not be expected to perform sex acts in exchange for anything.

• Sex is good - especially with intimacy.  It is a beautiful way for people to grow closer.

• All that porn stuff is irrelevant, since you have to learn what feels good to your body and your partner’s body.  None of these “resources” can tell you that, you just have to feel it.

• If you expose yourself to porn it wires your brain differently.

• Some things might feel shameful, but if they are talking about them, it will make the shame dissipate or disappear.

• There will be things that you like watching and things you won’t.  The good thing is that  you can decide and if something feels uncomfortable….CLICK AWAY!